I’m Graduating =)

It was very close. I shouldn’t be. I should have had to drop Music Ed and then just graduate with one degree, but people have made exceptions, etc etc and now I will be. I was so worried about having to tell my parents and then the rest of the world when they asked and all that jazz. I’ll never get a teaching job because of that one grade because of my Capstone, but at least I have the degree. I’m not sure I should even bother trying with that grade on my record. I’m not sure I want to. And no one at this school would ever give me a recommendation. No one that “counts” anyway. In any department. I really screwed up in my years here. 

This past week has been a whirlwind of allllll sorts of emotions and events regarding this. I was in the midst of making alternate plans with the school, but somehow, I am being allowed to graduate. It’s probably one of those, “just get rid of her” things like my Jury before my recital. I have declined in my voice. I think it was partly because I switched teachers recently and so my voice was getting accustomed to something COMPLETELY different, but it’s mostly my own lack of practicing and motivation. 

Not sure what I’m doing with my life. I better figure out at least a short term plan because that’s all people ask. 

2pm

Been holding my elephant for probably a couple hours now. Still playing with hair. No ts. I’m in the kitchen doing my project. Get back to work!

I just did something stupid

Monday 1:57pm

I started reading pieces of Angela Shelton’s book that was emailed to me. I jumped to the parts of her recalling her childhood in detail. It made me cry more than once. It made me cry because I was relating to it and it hurt. 

That was a dumb move on my part. Not only do I need to be focused on my Capstone, but I don’t need to be reading that stuff right now. It is especially distracting when I have something to do. And yet, it seems to come up the most when I have something that I have to do. Avoidance? Blame my lack of whatever on it? Further torture myself via procrastination and old/current wounds? I don’t know.

My last ex boyfriend got engaged today

Even though he wanted to cheat on his now fiancé with me a while ago. Oyoyoy. Hopefully she has straightened him out. He’s a wild child.

I will admit that I think that I might be a little jealous. He was my only kind of serious relationship. It was forever ago though.

Also

11:12am

I wish that I hadn’t been given this extra extension because then I would be done with it already. If I had it about 25% done on Wednesday, my supervisor figured that I would have gotten D in Student teaching despite my good grades from my Cooperating teachers and last supervisor. If I have it perfect today, then I can get 50% and my grade will be a C. Ugh. I should have just taken the D. But now I’m thinking of going into teaching sooo I should have a good grade. A C is also bad though so whatever. Not sure I’ll be able to get a job with it. Whatever. What’s done is done. 

And my Capstone ISN’T done so byeeeee

Lots of Anxiety this week

Monday 5/13/13 10:50am

Been very anxious for the past week or so. A little less than that probably. However, I’ve been having anxiety and wanting to ts. Playing with my hair a lot. I’m worried about graduating. I need to finish this Capstone by 5pmish today. And then I need to write my partnership journal even though I’m not sure if they’ll even accept it. Probably not. However, it’s worth a shot. It’s for no credit, soooo maybe it won’t matter? No it will because I got an email with a list of things to be completed and that was on it. Ugh. It’s from sophomore year. Way to go, me. I had just hoped that it would disappear somehow. Nope. I’m not very good at school. I mean, I am, but I’m not. 

I “stalked” Lauren online yesterday or the day before. I looked at all of her pictures that I could see from her profile and her husband’s. Creepy I know. And then (don’t judge me), just for fun, I put one of them as my desktop picture. And then I felt like it was funny and dumb, and that I would change it. However, it’s still there, and it kind of helps to see it when I minimize the pages on occasion. I rarely see my desktop because I always have things open, but when I do, I see her face. I think it helps. Or at least I feel like I’m trying to help myself. Yesterday, I had decided that I wasn’t going to tell her because it was weird, but the fact that her face is still my desktop makes me feel like I should tell her. Blah. Prepare for weirdness. Oh well. She’s a therapist; she can take it. 

One thing that really helped me to work on my Capstone was to work alongside Catie at one point last week. When she worked, so did I. When she took a break, so did I. I think I only lasted until one break or a little after, but it was still something. And then I got some things done when I snuck away from the party at my place on Saturday night. People were out there and I felt like I needed to be doing something productive to keep myself from just going out there. Apparently, I missed a bunch of people that came over. I got to hear some funny drunken conversations through my door though. Entertaining.While at church, I made a schedule of sorts to do work:
10 mins work on Philosophy
5 mins break
15 mins work on Philosophy or lesson 1 if phil is done
5 min break
20 mins work on lesson 1
5 mins break
30 mins work on Lesson1/2
5 mins break
45 mins work 1-3
5 mins break
More work

And I added times to it as well. I started it right away after getting home from my Mothers Day function. Ugh I had to drive my Memere for an hour each way, and she is a horrible backseat driver. We also aren’t very close so conversation was tedious. I was extremely annoyed by the time we made it to my aunt’s place. I had gotten a little short with her at times. Not anything drastic, and perhaps not even noticeable, but I was getting irritable.

I was supposed to see Lauren at 2pm today. Nooo wayyy. No time. I called her on Friday or Saturday to reschedule. She didn’t get it until this morning. I got an extension on my Capstone by the way…again. I’m not sure why people are so nice to me, but they are. My roommates were astonished. They said that I was lucky and that it would never have happened to them. Mine and Lauren’s schedules didn’t match up very well, so we were looking into next week. However, I decided that I didn’t want to wait that long. So I decided to take a chance and have it tomorrow. After how crappy I’ve been feeling, I felt like I should have it. Also, if I waited until the 20th, I would have graduated by then. I’d like to see her once before that. I’m not sure why, but I would. Perhaps it would help to sort out y feelings about the stress of the end of finals now, and the joy before graduation. Also, my situation and mood will probably change drastically from my last session last Monday to the day after graduation. A lot happens in that time. Bahhhh so much! 

Okay, I need to get back to work. I hadn’t been writing in here much though and I wanted to make sure I documented things at least a little. 

Also, I may have written this before, but I’m not sure right now, I finished Student Teaching on Friday. He brought me a cake. I cried on the way home. it helps to know that I’m going to be back a few times in the next couple of weeks to rehearse with the chorus. We didn’t even get to tell all of the kids that I was leaving. I don’t like that. Things feel incomplete that way. 

BACK TO WORK, MISSY. 11:10am

Anxiety. ts. Need to do Capstone. 

Anxiety/Tired

Saturday 5/4/13 9:51pm

Been tired a lot lately. On Thursday and Friday, I played with my hair a lot during school. Had a pretty good teaching week. I’ll be completely independent next week. 

So so so tired lately. It’s been to the point where I can’t even fake it. I’m just blah. I guess it was showing in my teaching too because he even asked me if I still liked it. I guess you can’t tell. I do like it. I’m just tired, man.

I took an accidental nap today. It was around 2pm. I almost slept for 2 hours. Beforehand, I had relocated from the living room to my room because Vicky’s mom brought their dog over and Leila tore at me to get away. Ow. Owowow. More ow than I thought it would ow. So now I have beautiful scratches and gashes all over my chest, boob, and on my back. So I went into my room, and sat on my bed. I was cold, so I put on one of my blankets. I was tired and ended up ts. I wrote that out at first. Good catch. And now I still want to. 

I went to a Derby party after I woke up. I was super late because I hadn’t showered or made the salad yet, but it was fun and I liked the people even though I didn’t know most of them. I left to work on my Capstone. I left at about 7ish I think? I haven’t started the Capstone yet. I really want to ts. The only reason I’m not is because I’m not in my room, and I don’t want to go in there because I don’t want to fall asleep. I was thinking before that I just want to because I’m tired, but now I am anxious. Maybe I am anxious because I was wondering if I was and thinking about ts. Or maybe I’m anxious because I have so much to do before slash until I can graduate. I really need it to work out. I don’t even know all that I have to do in order to succeed. I know I have to do this Capstone. It’s due Tuesday. GAHIAHIAOIUHIUWHIJKN HI KN

Anxiety. Tired. Want to ts. Vicky and Mike are home, so I’m DEFINITELY won’t do it unless I’m in my room. Playing with my hair lots instead.

10:04pm

Wednesday, 5/1/13 10:06pm

Just took my pills! 

Been so so so tired lately. Ridiculously tired. 

Notes

“Sunday Night” 4/29/13 1:15am

Seeing Lauren and Fran tomorrow/today.

Was feeling blah this weekend and anti-social. Probably missed something Friday. Don’t remember right now. Missed recitals on Saturday so that I could do work before hanging out at Kristina’s, but then didn’t go there either. Because I didn’t go there I forgot about other recitals happening. I went out to lunch on Saturday, but begrudgingly. Glad I did. It was nice! And then begrudgingly exited my room to join the grill party on our porch. Then I snuck off and hid in my room again. No work done. Still none. Bahhh. So tired. No pills for me tonight. Do it nowwwww.

Last meeting tonight. Lots of bawling. Sobbing really. Oy. But then I was in a pretty good mood afterwards. I expected to be thoroughly depressed. 

Had a gig this afternoon. I was the “Fabulous Guest Artist” with a local male choral club lol It went pretty well. Mom, Dad, and Michelle came. I brought my car accident papers with me so that I could sit with my folks and have them make me and help me do them. Wayyy overdue. The car insurance has been calling me for the past few weeks, and I just received my 3rd and final notice in the mail. Bah. Glad I got it done. Gave it to Mom to mail.

8am chorus tomorrow. Get something done and go to sleeeeeeep!

LastMeetingLastMeetingWahWahWah!