Weddings

So, I’ve never been to a wedding before without my parents. And this summer, I have TWO weddings to go to with “an Honored Guest”! I received the 2nd invite in the mail today, and was looking at both of the invites, and THEY’RE ON THE SAME DAY!!! GAHHHHH!

They are an hour and 20 mins from each other too. At least they’re at different times. But I would have to miss the first one’s reception. At least the first one is closer to me and on the way to the 2nd one. Supposing the 1st was an hour long, I would have 30 mins to spend at the reception, and I’d still risk being late to the 2nd wedding.

I guess one good thing is that the first friend would be hurt if I missed her wedding, but the second probably wouldn’t (she’s just chill like that). Also, I will know a lot of people at the second wedding so the reception will be more fun for me at that one. 

I guess I know what I’m doing! 

I still don’t like it!! =(

Total Sap

Today I took a walk, and saw a wedding in the park amongst the roses. The processional was “Open Arms” on violin and guitar. Beautiful. The recessional was “From this Moment On”. So perfect! I started crying in the middle of the service. lol

Then I tried to climb a tree, but the limb was too thick for me to swing up, and I was wearing shorts…so I scraped myself up real good. I’m SO smart. Only climb trees (in that monkey way anyway) with jeans on. It actually really hurt and bruised fast. I had a clump of blood bruise on me…I know that’s called something, but I can’t remember what. And it hurt. After I awkwardly used a public water fountain as an ice pack, I continued on my walk. Purposely got lost for fun, then figured out where I was via smart phone and speed walked the 45 mins back home. 

Got gross and sweaty, but good for all the crap I’ve just been sitting around eating. My roommates aren’t here. Last night I really stuffed my face, and I couldn’t stop. Oy.

And tonight I learned that a friend of mine lost both her brother and her father a while ago (I just met her this year). So I did some digging slash stalking via facebook to see when it happened and what. I don’t know what, but her brother died around her bday mid-year, and then her dad died later that year, but facebook won’t let me find out when. And I was bawwwwwling. And then I saw a video of her performing in Little Women and singing with her character’s sister that was going to die and… WAHHHHHHHHH! Sobbing sobbing sobbing. Ugh. I hate that such bad things happen to people. As if one loss isn’t enough, but two within 5 months or less?! Ugh I think I’ve got leaky ducts lately anyway, but still. I was really crying for her. Bahhhhhh

I’m a sap.

I got a job!

It only took me 25 hours to find a job. Within that time, I submitted 7 applications. However, I had my first and second interview with Rainforest Cafe within that time, and I got hired on the spot 4 mins into my second interview! I am now a “tour guide” at Rainforest Cafe lol It wasn’t that hard. My dad was worried that I wouldn’t find a job. I told him not to worry because there are more jobs here than home. Wasn’t too hard. Not like I was looking for a career. That would be very different. 

Crazy

Sooo one of my friends that is my age (well, 7 months younger) graduated from college last year with some kind of ridiculous double major, with honors, and while being an RA and stuff. She also just graduated and received her MASTERS in Education a few days ago. What? Oh AND she is engaged to a wonderful, wonderful guy, and they’re getting married this summer. They are a beautiful couple that’s always smiling, and she is a lovely person through and through. 

And here I am. I haven’t finished my undergraduate career yet, and I just encounter the guys that are douchebags.

Am I jealous? Heck, yeah.

Too Much. Shame.

5/23/12 (late at night)

What’s interesting, is that I recently found myself leaving out the bathroom assault at the end of my junior on my “list” of assaults. I vaguely touched on it in my Vagina Monologues testimonial, but I left it out all together for my Take Back the Night speech. And honestly, I  did it on purpose. I felt like my “list” was already too long. And it felt like that was a “lesser” assault. I don’t know that that’s really accurate. I guess I just think of abuse as a child and rape as an adult to be the ones that are “important”. That sounds ridiculous. I would never say that about someone else’s experiences. But really, my thought was that if I added the bathroom assault in, then it would really look like this happened to me too much. And what was I doing that made this possible? It must be something that I am doing. I must be doing something stupid all the time, or not learning the first time… That is all absurd, but I felt like I might be judged by just adding that one assault. In childhood, you obviously have no control over the adults that hurt you. And obviously as an adult, you also don’t have control over someone that abuses you…otherwise, it wouldn’t have happened or existed or whatever. I’m not sure this is coming out right. 

I think, maybe for the first time, I feel ashamed. Slash felt ashamed. Even though I was speaking to an audience that was there to hear and understand these types of things, I was too ashamed to add in that assault. Wow. Weird. I’ve always (well maybe not always) been good about these things. The blame is on the offender. Same with shame blah blah blah But there are “too many” of them. Too many for them to not be blamed on me.

So nowwww I have another? Or do I? Does that not count? I guess it depends on his intentions? Which we will never know. But then, how do you ever calculate if something is or isn’t assault? People are probably not going to tell you their intentions. Sooo I don’t know. It certainly made me feel like I was being assaulted. Buuuut then, technically, he wasn’t touching me at the time except to hold me down. It wasn’t “sexual”. The weight of his body pressing on mine and keeping me down, and the way he HELD me down made me really think that he was going to rape me. Was he? Did he change his mind? If he hadn’t looked into my eyes and seen the fear, would he have kept the nerve to keep going? He certainly could have. I was helpless. Soooo then I have to question, was it assault? It certainly traumatized me like it was. For sure. I do kind of count it, but should I? Am I being ridiculous? Nothing actually happened, so it wasn’t assault? I don’t know. These are all things that I’ll talk to Lauren about tomorrow. Ugh. 

And at the same time, if I was helping a friend through this, I would be saying, “If you have to question if it was, it was…” 

Does it really matter if it was or wasn’t? Actually, probably not. Actually, I think that’s what Lauren will probably say. What matters, in all situations, is how it made you feel. Like sh**.  And .. how else? Upset. Defeated. Used. Betrayed. Lied to. Like an idiot to think he could be so great. And, I know this sounds cliché, but hopeless. Hopeless that things will ever be any different. Hopeless that I’ll ever find something good. Yes, I’ve had relationships in the past that weren’t utter crap, so I should know that not all men are like this. But when there are so many more bad than good….Even a bf in high school assaulted me, buuut maybe he didn’t realize it? That’s the one I’ve written about before. I think it’s the lack of morals and good judgement and crap. So I guess it’s the same thing I say about my rapist. They kind of go in the same category. They both ifjwiphefipwef nevermind, I don’t want to say what they did. 

I’m going to bed.

There are just too many of them, and I can’t handle it anymore. 

I Would Really Like to Meet a Guy That Isn’t a Douche.

Feeling Better

5/23/12

C got me out of the house today. I was in bed until about 2. I think I was actually asleep off and on until about 1 ish. 

We went out job searching today. Went to the mall. I filled out and handed in 3 different apps, have to fill out 6 tonight and hand them in tomorrow. And I see Lauren tomorrow. I am meeting with a potential employer at 3pm for Rainforest Cafe and there are also open interviews for PinkBerry on Sunday. And soooo many applications are online. Bah. I need to fill out a bunch now. I might just skip the shoe place that needs a cover letter…I am applying at so many places, so we’ll see. But I think that is the place that the manager will be there tomorrow so that I can meet her, as they said.

Keeping busy makes me feel better. Every day feels better anyway. Of course I feel better when I see Lauren. I mean, not that that’s bad. I like feeling not crappy lol I’m sure I’ll be able to convey my past few days to her though. 

Blahhhh

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Depressed

5/22/12 (late at night)

On Sunday, I went to church, and then raced to school to see my friends one last time after graduation, and then rushed to a funeral gig at my church. Then we went out that night and I got trashed. 

Monday, I kept waking up at 6am, 7am, 8am, 9am, etc because that’s what happens the morning after I drink. But I stayed in bed with the lights off. I was on the computer, but for the most part, besides making food, I was in bed. And holding my elephant tightly and bringing him wherever I went, if I went. 

Monday night though, my roommates were home, and I did sit at the kitchen table with them for a bit. Still gripping my elephant. I’m sure they noticed. I was still in my PJs. We watched 101 Dalmatians, the cartoon version together, so that was nice. A good distraction. They fell asleep during it. As I was going to bed though, I put my elephant down without realizing it. It had only been 1 or 2 mins, but I freaked a little and ran to get him back.

Tuesday (today) I spent all day in bed too, with the same PJs on still (ew). Until about 6:15pm because I had to shower and go to church choir. As soon as I let go of my elephant, I was anxious. Besides those 2 mins, I had been holding him for 42 hours. Oy. But I went to choir, was ok, then went to a bar to hear my roommate in the Big Band. One of my old teachers was there. He’s fabulous. He gave me a hug and asked how I was. I love him. There was also a guy there that raped a friend of mine 2 years ago. A guy that admitted it, got kicked out of school for one year, and now is back with a full ride. Efffff! There was also a girl there that was out with us on Sunday night that asked what happened to me. I told her that I got sick and was brought home. It was just one of those nights. I asked her if I was blabbing my mouth off (checking to see if she heard me talk about the date). She said that she just saw me full of life and she’d never seen me that way before. Phew! That was nice of her to check. 
After that I went to another bar to meet up with a bunch of friends, so that was nice. Good distractions. However, I thought about my weekend more at the second bar. It was probably because it was so loud that we couldn’t really talk, so I had my own thoughts for some of it.

Feeling a litte anxious right now, but not bad. My elephant is here, but I’m not holding him. I’m feeling a little better everyday. 

C wants to go out job hunting tomorrow. That’s definitely something that I need to do, so that will be good. 

I Put My Elephant Down

5/22/12

Started feeling anxious right away. Took a quick shower. Took half a S “to take the edge off” as Fran as said. Holding my elephant at this moment, but need to put him down again to get dressed and go to rehearsal. Then going out to see V play at a bar. Good distraction. It has crossed my mind that N could possibly be there, but I doubt it.

Ugh. I wish I were normal.