Wednesday 7/2/14 5:50pm

Today is the anniversary of my rape. I decided that I wanted to make this a date to look forward to rather than dread. I got a massage today using a gift certificate I received from my parents. I decided to plan a picnic dinner in the park with friends. I hand selected the friends. I invited a lot (18 ish), but I made sure that they were all quality. I wasn’t looking for a party. I wanted to spend time with people I care about as well as have the distraction. Honestly though, it was less about distraction and more about making this a positive day. That was the point. And if the park didn’t work out, I wanted to make plans to go out to eat. I have a free “anniversary” entree at a couple Japanese restaurants. And there is another that is having all you can eat tonight. 

However, hardly anyone is coming. Brian is coming. He should be here any minute. And my friend Jill is available in about an hour. I may just tell her not to come though. She’s shy, and I don’t want her to feel like a third wheel. Jess was supposed to come until about an hour ago. She isn’t comfortable driving in this weather. Nichole was going to come and spend the night, but she couldn’t get anyone to take care of the horses for her =( 

This is a huge disappointment. I made a fb event for this two and a half weeks ago. However, I’ve been in the process of moving and wasn’t able to stay on top of contacting people to come. I moved into a new apartment on Saturday. I am SO glad to not have roommates anymore, and Brian is moving in too in December. 

Anyway, huge disappointment. It really gets me down when my plans fall through when they’re so important to me. July 2nd and my birthday in December both seem to be awful dates to try to do anything with people, and that’s the only time I really really want to. I cried a little, but it was triggered by a post about a deceased aunt, but fueled by my disappointment in today. I wouldn’t be upset if I hadn’t made any plans. If I was just doing whatever today and wasn’t trying to invite people over, I would probably be fine. However, that’s not what happened. I haven’t decided if I’m going to tell Jill not to come yet or not. We’ll see. 

I wonder if I should have been more open and blunt about how much I wanted this to happen and why. Maybe someone would have come. 

Had lunch with Kalin and Nichole. N is looking for PTSD therapist. Kalin set a wedding date.
Training people at RR. Dan is rude. Things sucked at V on Sat. Offered myself up to be fired. Friday was Brian work party.
Looking at apartments! Dad will lend us money.
Nightmares woke up late for Lauren.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014 12:54 PM

Dad says reach out to mom

Tracy does my hair and discloses

Brian’s car

Out the bar with coworkers

Holy week

(Tuesday March 4th?)
Rape joke at work. Avi shared. Di shared.
$570 to my goal. Been working out on Tuesdays, but not tonight bc of vino date.

Tuesday 2/25/14 12:32pm

I feel like I should write something in here. I have been neglecting it, and now I don’t know what to talk to Lauren about at my appt in 30 mins.
Well, I’ve been fundraising for Operation Freefall. I have $445 so far! I need $950 by the end of next month. I made an announcement about it at a RR meeting on Sunday. Soon after, three people donated $20 each! My manager asked me to do a little write up for him to send out to all the restaurants in the area. Sweeeet! So I did that yesterday at work, but he left before I could give it to him. I gave it to another manager to put in the office. I hope he gets it. I’ll check in with him about it.
We’re getting new managers. Both C and B were transferred yesterday! Nooooo! I liked them a lot. They were the best and most fun ones. And C is the one that liked me the most and helped with scheduling and gave me the raise. Boooo. We got a new manager transferred to us yesterday. Another woman. So far, she seems cool, but I only saw her on her first day.
Manager J came up to me yesterday and we talked about my fundraiser. I told him how I’ve done it since high school. He said, “I have to ask, sorry, but hat made you get into that in high school?” I said, “Well, I’m a survivor, and I had always wanted to skydive. I actually found out about it through a support group, and then cried when I found out you had to be 18.” He didn’t blink an eye. I think he probably expected an answer like that, and/or prepped himself in case it was. He did t make me feel uncomfortable at all. I beer have a problem telling people, but I gauge their reaction to see if they’re freaking out and feel awkward all of a sudden. So I often won’t tell people unless they ask me straight up. Some people are trying to ask me if I’m a Survivor, and others wish that they hadn’t asked when that’s my answer. I’m so considerate of other people’s feelings, huh? Lol I’ve just learned a lot over the years.
I actually re-remembered yesterday that after I first told about Jesse, I mentioned it to someone else nonchalantly in front of my brother. The woman said no, you haven’t. Yes, I have. She got a confirming look from my brother. Afterwards, he told me that I should just go around telling people. When I thought about it yesterday, I wondered if that was a contributing factor to learning not to tell people. It took me several years, but eventually, I was less public about it.
It shouldn’t be that way. If a nine year old wants to pitch into the adult conversation on the topic to say that she’s been molested, you shouldn’t shush them. Although, after writing it out, I could see why you would. It’s not that it’s bad to bring up, but it makes people uncomfortable. There it is again. Other people’s comfort. Hmm.

Oh, on Valentine’s Day, I was stupid and hit my neighbors car with my door open. So now I have to get in and out through the passenger side. I also had to get new front wheel tires. I don’t think the accident really affected them, but that’s when I noticed that they had bulges. Yay money… Boo. And I paid for it myself instead of having my dad do it. I’m an adult! Paying $300! Wee! Also, I had a tow truck disaster. Annoying.

Brian got me a calendar of flowers bc they don’t rot lol And peppermint patties and a cute little trinket thing. The trinket is kind of silly and corny, but whatever. It’s the thought that matters. Oh and he brought sexy dice which I proceeded to lose almost immediately lol

I went without seeing him last Tuesday because I wasn’t meeting up with Lauren, and he needed to sleep. On Saturday night, I had a girls night with Kalin and Kristina at her place. I had never been there. An hour and a half away :/ And I couldn’t sleep over bc of my 8:30 meeting in the morning. I’m not very good at waking up early, so I’d rather not be 90 mins away if I oversleep. It was really nice :) then Brian stayed up and waited for me to tell Jim when is be back bc he wanted to come sleep over. It was after 1am.
On Subday, Dad cametonhurch for the first one in a longtime. And then we picked up Brian an went out to lunch! It was fun. Mom was away on a girls trip to the DR. Dad hopes that she’s stopped smoking by now (a New Years Resolution), and maybe the trip will make her drink less now. Here’s hoping for his sake. He says he’s lonely. It made me wonder if he would ever cheat.

Just visited Brian this morning. It was interesting while he was on the phone with an insurance company lol
Time to go!

Vino Date

"Tuesday night" 12:16am 2/5/14

I don’t really feel like writing right now, but I really should. I feel fantastic. After church choir, I finally went on the vino date with my two friends from choir that we’ve been trying to go on since October to celebrate D’s bday. And then M’s bday came and went. And two others came with us for it tonight. We were there for almost two hours. We had a fabulous time. They’re all my age, and music majors, so they get it. It started out pretty serious because M announced to us that she just broke off her engagement. She’s ok. And then we got to talking about how sick her dad is battling cancer, and how she’s enduring med school right now to become an oncologist. Although it’s a difficult thing for her to be around because her dad isn’t doing well, and her mom had a mastectomy two years ago, and one of her best friends is battling chronic leukemia, it is so rewarding. It sounded so much like me and sexual assault. So we were all very supportive of her. There was a lot of serious talk. She talked about how music just didn’t do it for her, and this did, etc. Internal and external gratification and all that. Another girl talked about how discouraging school was for her, and how she used to drink all the time because of it. D brought up that she was hanging out with an old friend of ours recently, and that their topics kept hopping around, but I came up. And they talked about how amazing I am. And D said that she had always thought that if anything like that happened to her, that she would just hide away and never recover, but now because of me, she wouldn’t be afraid to speak out. That almost brought me close to tears. I quietly told her that that’s the best thing I could ever hear. It really is. And I have seen it happen so much. We talked so openly. I shared my doubts about teaching and how I’m having a hard time applying for jobs. I talked about fear with both them and Lauren today. I wonder if teaching what I really want to do, but I can’t tell because of the fear. I’m afraid of failing. Afraid of not being prepared. Afraid I didn’t absorb enough, and don’t remember enough. I won’t get great recommendations from teachers. I fear being “stuck” like I was the first time I Student Taught. I told them how I took a medical leave the first time because I was so stuck and unable to function because of PTSD. And now I still have PTSD, but can I still blame it on that? I’m in a different place now. And what if I just get that way again? 
The focus actually turned to me because I muttered in response to someone else’s story that I don’t know what I’m doing. Yeah, I don’t know what I want to do, guys. D turned to me and looked me straight in the eye. “Yes, you do. You know exactly what you want to do”, and something about how I just don’t know how to start or something. She’s right. The other girl asked what I wanted to do, and the obvious answer was “public speaking for sexual assault”. M slapped the table, and said, “I knew it! You really do!” They talked about going back to school for communications for a short time, or starting while I’m teaching and speaking as a teacher, but I want to teach elementary school, so that’s kind of out. Although, I suppose I could speak to upper elementary in sex ed? Who knows? That was just a random thought right now.
We talked about music being or not being gratifying. D talked around it and then finally shared with us about her struggle with depression during Junior year and how she was suicidal. I knew that. I shared with her that I was raped shortly after that, and then she shared how she was suicidal, and we both wished that we had told each other sooner. That was a couple years ago. 
I talked about how I didn’t really want to go to school because the last couple years were poop. I told them how I had found my niche in the first few years, and shared how I just didn’t know people anymore and how the guys didn’t like me. We were talking all over the place. And I shared how I did a 5 year program in 6 because of all of the crap that went down, and I feel like I should really become a teacher after all of that time and money. J pointed out that it’s just a really expensive piece of paper lol Truth. 
Basically, I think what we came around to talking about is how I should try to become a teacher, and then if I don’t like it, then fine. And I can have an income from that and begin my speaking. I should really friend A on fb. She didn’t know any of this stuff about me. I didn’t really know her much at all before tonight either even though she’s been singing with us all year, if not longer. 

I don’t feel like writing much more just because I’m tired and a little hungry, but we all had a great time and decided that we’re having a vino date like that every first Tuesday of the month. I told them that I had therapy today, and this was more helpful! They roared with laughter. It was great. I have great friends. Even a couple people that I’m not close with or were really friends with are now friends. It was pretty freaking fantastic. And the fact that we are all music majors means that we GET IT. We get all the love, and pressure, and stress, and drama, and fears. I think that was one of the most helpful things about it. They weren’t just saying and encouraging me with what they thought was best because I’m a musician, etc. They were saying it from my position. We covered more ground than I cover with Lauren. A large part of it was because they were infusing their own stories in for examples and just sharing in general. It was one big share-fest. I left feeling so happy and liberated. It was fantastic. That’s really the only way to describe it. I look forward to every first Tuesday of the month now =)

I’m sure there’s more that I’ve forgotten to say, but that’s enough for now. I’m happy.


Oh and I told Brian that I didn’t like that he pulled my hand. It went over just fine.

"Monday night" 2/4/14 12:30am

Despite feeling meh, I was pretty productive last Tuesday. I tried to go straight to school to get my alumni ID, but found out that it had to be done through a different office. Time and effort wasted. So I went to the bookstore, bought manuscript paper, made copies, and wrote up worksheets and exercises for students. I was at the library pretty late. I was able to use their card and pay them in cash, thank goodness. And then I felt super prepared and awesome during my lessons. 

I don’t think I’ve even written about my impromptu trip to LA a few weeks ago. It was an event for sexual assault awareness that a friend of mine was putting on. A friend I hadn’t seen in 8 years! Because I’m a survivor, I got a free makeover and was recognized at the “red carpet” event. Sweeet! It was pretty awesome. The makeover cost about as much as my (cheap) flights there and back. I’m a pro at flying cheap now. 

Speaking of which, I’m flying to Hungary this summer lol I want to take the Pedagogical course at the Kodály Institute. Awwwwesome. It’s only about $500 for the course, and the flights are cheap via Statravel and StudentUniverse. I wish I had discovered these sights sooner. I found out that a lot of travel expenses in Europe offer discounted rates to youths and students. Although I’m no longer a student, I am in my last year of what they consider to be a youth. I’ll be saving hundreds of dollars because of that! So I invited Brian to come for a bit. We’re going to travel to Iceland, and I hope to travel somewhere else too. Hopefully. Maybe Ireland. If I use Ryanair, it’s not too bad either. We’ll see. A friend suggested that I take out a loan for it. Since my parents are covering my student loans, this would be my only one. Brian wants me to take out a little extra to help cover his expenses, and then he’ll pay me back. He’s super poor right now. I’m covering a lot of his expenditures when we’re together. I really want to travel alone. I’m not sure why. I think it would be a very personal and developmental experience. 

I’m having lunch with Dad tomorrow/today. I’m going to discuss finances with him about this. I haven’t told him yet. I’ve been trying to call my mom for a couple of days. I’ve left her voicemails, and she hasn’t called me back. I’m wondering if it’s on purpose? I don’t know. 
I’m not looking forward to Dad inquiring about my progress in job applications. I haven’t applied to any yet. And there aren’t many open right now. So I guess that’s a good excuse. The others were filled before I had a chance to finish the applications? That’s technically true… I’m using that one. I DID look up jobs last week as well. I told you I was feeling productive. There are only 11 open, and not all are ones that I feel qualified for. 

Brian and I are talking about moving in together in December. No commitments right now; just an idea. And he stresses that all the time. He never ever wants me to feel pressured into anything. 

We had a talk the other day. I asked him if it bothered him that I’m not always as affectionate as he is. Especially vocally. It does a little, but he understands. I’m new to this. I’m getting used to it. My comfort level has grown a lot since the beginning. I have stopped making things that were cheesy into jokes…except for once this weekend. He said to let it be cheesy. He mentioned the pressure thing. We diecided that I’ll let him verbally express whatever he wants to, and I don’t ever have to even respond to it. Just accept it. Because sometimes I find myself just saying “ditto”. And I mean it, but I should probably say it in a better way. I made sure that he does know that I do love him even if I’m not as frequently verbal about it as he is. He’s been asking me since the very beginning if his openness about love and the future bothered me. No. I just have a hard time giving it back sometimes. Because sometimes I DO feel obligated to return it. He’s insistent that I return “I love you’s” most of the time. And I normally do. But there have been a few times where I honestly have not heard him, and he points it out that he’s waiting for it. 
I’ve been a lot more affectionate lately though. Verbally and physically. 

I get tired a lot after eating with him. We eat lunch, and I tend to overeat, and we nap. We had lunch with his college roommate and his fiancée on Saturday. It was nice, but I got tired. And I’m quieter than usual at his functions. Fatigue and sometimes sadness. Mostly fatigue. A lot of it was when I was having my crashes that might have been caffeine related. Not sure. Maybe sugar. 

Got out of work early last Wednesday, and was able to see the dress rehearsal of the opera. I think it was Wednesday. Maybe Tuesday. Probably Tuesday because I was at the school so late. Got out of work super early on Thursday and was able to go see the opera in full! Yay! Brian had the night off that night, so he just came over afterwards. It was really nice to go. Although I feel out of place more and more. It hurts, but I know it’s bound to happen in general. It just began sooner than graduation because I was less able to social the last couple of years. What a difference from when I knew everyone and felt my niche in the first few years. I LOVED college. I was a go-to person for a lot of things. It was great. And now I am disliked by people because I can’t seem to remember their names or that I’ve met them. My memory is really bad lately. Well, especially then. It has something to do with trauma. Brian’s memory is pretty terrible too. 

I’ve been pretty anxious lately for seemingly no reason. Nothing really triggered anyway. Well, there was a girl at work that scared me and I confronted her about it. I believe I wrote about this before. I told Lauren. I brought my elephant with me on Tuesday, although I never “used” him. I’ve ts’d a bit too. I felt like it during the session. Of course I didn’t, but I shared the urge with Lauren, and just kept talking so as not to linger on it. 

I confronted Fran a couple weeks ago too. We’re a lot better now. Granted, I haven’t seen her since, but now it’s out in the open, and she is aware of it and knows that I’m giving her another chance. 

I may have written about all of these things before. I’m not sure. I figured that I just haven’t written in here much lately, so I’d just start and let it flow. Gosh does it flow. I didn’t go back to read the past because I just wanted to get whatever out that came out. 

It was Jesse’s birthday on the 30th. I mentioned that to Brian in a text. “Today is poop face’s 43rd birthday”. He told me to think of it instead as our 5 month and some odd days that he counted out together. That was sweet of him. We left it at that. 

I’m sure I’ve written this before, but when I was on Mom’s computer over Christmas, her fb was open, and I perused it… as usual. I’m bad, I know. And I deleted Jesse from her friends. She must have friended him again because of the baby. I allowed her to remain friends with Tina. It would be too obvious if I unfriended both. Auntie Jen posted pictures with the baby. Ugh. It always looks unhappy. I know that was just a picture of an average baby, but it was what I thought to myself. 

I brought Brian to my work holiday party on Sunday. I looked real cute lol I dressed up all nice, and poor Brian had to wait for me to do my hair. I feel like I’m always fussing with my hair lately, especially when he’s around. It’s normally just for special ocassions like meeting people. I apologized for being so neurotic about my hair sometimes. It irritates him a bit, but he still loves me. 

We fell asleep on Saturday night before I had the chance to pee. Uh oh. However, I didn’t develop a UTI this time! Hooray! For once. 

Oh, and I went to a trainer’s meeting at RR on Thursday. We’re using a system with iPads. Since it was ridiculously slow today, I got a chance to fiddle with it. And I was able to just sit a lot towards the end of it. I got phased at about 5:15. Normally I get out around 8 or 8:30. I was tired from eating too much before and during break. Surprise! And I never took my pills on Sunday night until about 3am. So I was pretty darn tired. I was looking up flight and travel things. 

I got home tonight around 6 or earlier. And I basically holed myself up in my room and have been on my computer ever since. What else is new? However, I thought maybe I’d be productive. I thought maybe I’d go to bed early since I was/am so tired. I feel less tired now. I think I’m confusing boredom and fatigue again. I think carbs make me tired. The alfredo did it on Saturday, and I think all the fries did it today. In all, I had 3 baskets of them today, as well as wings. The wings were actually really good. I’ll probably be getting them again. P. 

Oh, jumping back, I need to accept that school is no longer my crowd. I can’t try too hard or else it will just make me sad. This is just how it is. 

I saw the entire Fab 4 for the first time in over a year. So good to see Kristina. All of us were all over each other and being girly and silly and clicky. I felt bad for Brian. I apologized a lot, but I just couldn’t help it. He understood. Peter was deployed this weekend =( He’ll be gone for about 10 months. He and Kalin got married “on paper” a few weeks ago. The actual wedding will be next May, if I remember correctly. 

Okay, time to stop writing and settle in for bed. I need to wash my face, drink some water, and probably put on PLL. I’ve been trying to watch it lately and keep falling asleep! 

I have a feeling I’m going to be repeating myself a lot to Lauren tomorrow. Oh well. At least I remember SOMETHING even if I don’t remember already telling her. 


1:17am. (Gosh I take a long time to write). 

Need to tell Brian when things bother me

Meh mood today (Tuesday). He thought I was depressed.
Elephant in my car.

Brian pulled me back and I was late to work on Sunday. I said we really really can’t do that anymore. Seriously. No more. 8 mins late. Luckily, they like me.

I told him about bible study, ER and mom. Made me feel anxious I guess because I slept with a stuffed animal that night. Must have been Saturday night.
Solo on Sunday. Worked til close. Worked double on Monday. Slow then busy.

Monday 1/27/14 3:47pm

On break at work. Prolonged break because it’s so dead. Making me sleepy. But I don’t have a lot of time to run to Starbucks. I guess I’ll just get some of the free coffee here. I’m still on until probably about 8pm. Depends on how busy we are.

Liking my hair more, but my roots are already growing in. Booo.

I developed another UTI on the 5th and didn’t get an Rx for it until Thursdsy. And then I was feeling cramps from my period on Friday. And my shoulders and back were sore. I also had a strange hurt in a vein in my neck sometimes. I know I’ve felt that before, but can’t remember when or why. Right after Brian and I had sex that night, I felt awful. I developed a fever. I was soooo achy. I was groaning in my sleep. When I got up in the middle if the night to go to the bathroom, I almost fell over several times bc all the blood rushed to my head or something. Ridiculous. Probably worse than I’ve ever experienced. In the morning, I felt a lot better, but it started coming back. So we went to a Munute Clinic that sent me to urgent care bc they thought I might have a kidney infection.

Apparently I don’t. And the doc said that my urine culture was cheat and that I didn’t even have a UTI. It was weird. Things were confusing. I don’t exactly trust him. Pretty sure my UTI didn’t show up bc my Rx had kicked in.
Time for work.

Monday 1/27/14 3:47pm

On break at work. Prolonged break because it’s so dead. Making me sleepy. But I don’t have a lot of time to run to Starbucks. I guess I’ll just get some of the free coffee here. I’m still on until probably about 8pm. Depends on how busy we are.

Liking my hair more, but my roots are already growing in. Booo.

I developed another UTI on the 5th and didn’t get an Rx for it until Thursdsy. And then I was feeling cramps from my period on Friday. And my shoulders and back were sore. I also had a strange hurt in a vein in my neck sometimes. I know I’ve felt that before, but can’t remember when or why. Right after Brian and I had sex that night, I felt awful. I developed a fever. I was soooo achy. I was groaning in my sleep. When I got up in the middle if the night to go to the bathroom, I almost fell over several times bc all the blood rushed to my head or something. Ridiculous. Probably worse than I’ve ever experienced. In the morning, I felt a lot better, but it started coming back. So we went to a Munute Clinic that sent me to urgent care bc they thought I might have a kidney infection.

Apparently I don’t. And the doc said that my urine culture was cheat and that I didn’t even have a UTI. It was weird. Things were confusing. I don’t exactly trust him. Pretty sure my UTI didn’t show up bc my Rx had kicked in.
Time for work.

LA makeover, meant to be, etc

Bday hot tubs and dinner. Drunk/sober. Beforehand it’s always depressing.
Christmas Eve with Brian’s fam, day with mine. Mom gave me chocolate with nuts in it.
New Years plans up in air, got sick. Working sick. Staying sick.
Period came later than usual.

Another UTI shortly before my bday. Ugh I suck. Caused by not peeing all day while helping Brian’s mom move. His brother likes me. Yay!
Gold stocking bc I’m special lol
Mentioned that I don’t like the name Julian.
Harassment at work.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013 11:51 AM
After I went to get that coffee on Sunday I didn’t take the time to put sugar in it until I got to the highway. I had forgotten And then I was stupid and tried to put it in in the car but I spilled hot coffee on myself which made me scream and spill more coffee on myself and still more and more. It was so hot. It hurt. Although I was uncomfortable doing so I had to pull over on the highway. While I was pulling over I was spilling. And then I just started hysterically crying again and crying out “oww”. And cars were just whizzing by me and I was afraid someone was going to hit me. It was a horrible horrible day. I think I sat there for about 15 or 20 minutes. Then started to head home again but had to stop for gas. When I finally got home I told my parents that I didn’t want to talk about it but that I had seen Tina and then I’d spilled coffee on myself. I told them a couple other details but not much. Dad was confused. He asked why I was so upset just to see Tina. My mom mumbled because she’s pregnant. Dad was still confused so I explained saying “he’s going to rape that baby”.
Typos galore right now because I’m using voice commands.
Mom suggested that I ice my thighs during dinner. I did. And while I was in the car I had to have my pants around my knees because my thighs were hurting so bad and my skinny jeans were irritating. It was one of those days where you just wanted to disappear. I thought about dying but I didn’t really think about committing suicide. I just wanted to not be there.